


All I Ask of You

by orphan_account



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: (Zen is NOT the cheater), After Good Ending, Anxious Reader, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Reader Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 13:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9387389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After enduring a multitude of bad relationships, you give your heart to Zen but your past is tearing away at you far more than you'd like to admit. Try as you might to keep it from effecting your relationship with Zen, you finally reach your breaking point. Zen is there to catch you when you fall.





	

It’s ridiculous. 

 

Utterly and completely ridiculous, laughably ridiculous. Catastrophically ridiculous to the point where even you know you shouldn’t pay these thoughts any attention as they pass through your mind. And yet here you are at quarter til one, jolting up suddenly in bed when you were just on the verge of falling back asleep moments ago. 

 

No, not ridiculous. Pathetic.

 

Who the hell gets this worked up over a nightmare?

 

Take a deep breath now. Inhale on a count of a four, then hold it for seven heartbeats and exhale on eight. Or was it hold it for eight heartbeats and exhale on seven? You should have paid more attention when Jaehee tried giving you advice that one time on those breathing techniques for relaxation.

 

For a moment your gaze turns to your phone resting on your nightstand. And while you could go ahead and look said technique up online, you refrain from doing so.

 

Somehow you think that your fingers will betray you and instead of logging in the research for the 478 (487?) breathing approach, you’ll end up dialing Zen’s phone number and the very last thing you want to do is be  _ that  _ girl again. The clingy, obsessive girlfriend who can’t keep her emotions in check, who any person would loathe to accidentally end up with. 

 

That is if you haven't already become that girl. If you haven’t annoyed Zen to death because of it. It's only a matter of time then if that's the case. God, no wonder things fell apart in the same way over and over again. Maybe if you weren’t so--

 

“Stop it,” you say loud enough for you to hear yourself. You're unsurprised to hear that your voice sounds tight, that your jaw is clenched. “You are not clingy, you are not annoying, you are not any of those things.”

 

Not entirely convinced that this is the truth, you swing your legs over the edge of the bed that you share with Zen and slip into your house slippers. Maybe a cup of tea would help clear up some of the static that’s buzzing in your brain. 

 

It’s times like these that you are truly grateful that rehearsals for Zen’s newest show runs late. Any time you get like this, when memories of relationships past creep up late at night, you’re usually able to calm yourself down before he comes home. You know that this can’t last forever, this ‘hiding your crazy’ as your last ex put it, but this is a coping mechanism that will have to do for now. Until you find the right words to explain everything to Zen without breaking down into incomprehensible sobs.

 

How would you even begin that conversation, you wonder as you fill a cheery yellow tea kettle full of water and place it over the stove.

 

“Hey Zen, I know that you love me and would never betray me but do you remember how I told you that I have trust issues?” You muse aloud. “Well they kind of run deeper than I let on. Like, a lot deeper.” 

 

You run your fingers along the selection of loose leaf tea that rests on a cabinet above the sink (touched almost exclusively by you, despite your best efforts to get Zen to integrate healthier drinking habits in his life) before settling on a nice chamomile and passionflower blend with just a touch of lemon balm. It’s a nice ritual that always evens out your breathing, waiting for the water to come to a low boil as you sift the herbs to just the right combination. When the kettle lets out a low whistle, you take it off the heat and add a few petals of hibiscus to give tie everything together.

 

As you wait for your tea to steep and cool, you lean against the counter and turn your gaze to the clock. It’s one now, though your mind barely registers that fact as you continue to wonder what exactly you will say to Zen when you finally tell him the full truth on your past relationships.

 

It’s not that he hasn’t tried before, despite you frequently insisting that it’s important to leave the past to the past.

 

You know that you can trust Zen. You know that he loves you and that he’s devoted to you. Hell, he proved his loyalty to you before the two of you were dating. But even the fact that he turned down Echo Girl-- _ Echo Girl  _ and all of her advances--isn’t enough to quell the voices in your head that somehow even he will stray. And you hate yourself for thinking this way but all the same this has happened enough that that this is just how your brain is wired to work now. 

 

_ It’s not you, it’s my anxiety  _ is the bitter (but oh so true) thought plays out as you pour your tea into a mug. You’d like to think that Zen would understand but the very idea that he’d start to blame himself is more than enough motivation for you to keep it locked in for another day. You can handle it. You’ve handled it for this long.

 

“Babe?” 

 

And with that you’re effectively pulled out of your reverie. 

 

“Hi honey,” is all you can come up with as you weakly attempt to fix your expression.

 

Zen, somehow looking both angelic even after a full day’s worth of work, steps towards you and pulls you into his arms. “How come you didn’t answer the first time I called for you?” he asks, kissing the knit between your brows. “I saw the light in the kitchen and knew you were still up.” There’s a note of disapproval in his voice at that.

 

“My insomnia was acting up again. Nothing for you to worry about.”

 

You must have looked worse off than you thought because Zen simply tuts in response. “Babe,” he begins, chewing through his lower lip. The two of you lock eyes for just a fraction of a second. Just long enough for you to tense up in his touch. “Are you sure that’s all?”

 

Your heart picks up a note or two in pace, though you are desperately try to ignore this fact. “I promise. Really. That’s all.” 

 

This is for the best, you tell yourself as Zen nods, reluctantly accepting this as the truth for now. He excuses himself after that, saying that he’s going to change out of his rehearsal attire and into something more comfortable. Usually this is the point at which you would be letting out a sigh of relief but there’s something about the way that he said ‘Okay’ that doesn’t sit right with you.

 

It kills you to lie to him. Of course it does. 

 

The more that you try to cover this up, the more that you try to keep this gaping wound under wraps, the more you build a wall between you and Zen. And even though the two of you have only been together for a few months, this relationship has been more sweet and open and honest than any other relationship that you have been in. You know how hard this must be for him too, considering that this is his first relationship in several years.

 

The very last thing you wanted to do have distance and distrust break this very precious bond that you have now, yet you seem to be doing that unconsciously anyway. After all, what was love without trust?

 

At that last thought, your cup tumbles out of your grip and shatters to the floor.

 

“[Name]!” Zen is out the moment he hears the crash, his night shirt wrinkled and his hair mussed up. He lets out a noise of alarm when he sees you crumpled on the floor, mopping away at the spilled tea all while letting out the most heartbreaking sobs that he’s ever heard. “Babe, please tell me what’s wrong and tell me the truth this time.”

 

He grabs a wad of paper towels himself and joins you on the floor, though he first picks up the bigger remains of the mug before working on the rest of the mess. “It’s--it’s fine, Zen. Really.” You try to shake him off at first, thinking that perhaps you can still sway this off of the fact that you’re an anxious fucker who can’t calm their shit down for even a second when he gently plucks away the broom and dustpan that you’ve just taken out. “God, I’m sorry. This is the last thing that you need after today.”

 

Zen cuts you off by planting a gentle kiss on your lips. “Breathe,” he whispers and you sniffle instead. “It doesn’t matter how tired I am. If you need me, I will take care of you.”

 

That alone is almost enough to start you off again but you hold back, far too guilty for even thinking of lying again and for having him clean up your mess. If only he realized what a burden he’d fallen in love with.

 

Zen, of course, didn’t seem to think this at all as he mopped up and swept away the very last remains of the mess. After he was done to that, he prepared you a new cup of tea to your liking and guided you out to the living room where the two of you plopped down on the sofa. He waited for you to get a few sips in, rubbing comforting circles on your back before he tried again.

 

“Something is eating at you, babe. You can’t tell me otherwise now.” He gave your shoulder a little squeeze. “Please, lessen your load. I want to help.”

 

You took another sip, not for the first time marveling at how patient he was. “I don’t deserve you,” you sighed, a touch too melancholic. 

 

Zen simply stared at you in disbelief but he didn’t interrupt.

 

“I mean it, I really don’t deserve you.” You finally lifted your gaze so that you looked him in the eye as you said all of this. No matter how much it would hurt him to hear, holding this all in would hurt the two of you even further in the long run. “I--I’m too cynical, too untrusting. And you, you’re so good and pure. You shouldn’t have to put up with my shit but I’m selfish enough that I want to keep you instead of letting you go like I probably should.”

 

He’s silent for a moment before he says, “This has to do with what you told me before. About how you had a lot of trouble trusting the men that you dated.”

 

You nodded. 

 

“It’s like I told you before, you don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to. Not if you’re not ready.”

 

“No,” you said, setting you cup down on the table. “I want to tell you. It’s not a matter of whether or not I’m ready, it’s a matter of whether or not I want to keep the trust in this relationship going. It’s not fair to you to keep you in the dark like this.”

 

Zen placed his hand against your now empty one, lacing your fingers together. “You have my full attention babe.”

 

And with a deep breath, you told him, shakily as you were, everything.

 

Just how deep your trust issues ran with the men that you dated in the past, how all of it went back even to high school. How you were cheated on not once, not twice but  _ several times over _ . 

 

How broken up inside you were each time it happened. How much worse it was when the last  time, the last ex before Zen it wasn’t you who was cheated on but how you helped the other person cheat. 

 

“I didn’t know though!” You said, once you’d managed to calm down from that particular revelation. Seeing the look of shock on his face and possibly having him think you would do such a thing, even for a moment, sent you over the edge. “I--I would never,  _ never  _ put someone through what I went through on purpose. No-No one should ever--ever feel like they weren’t good enough, that their partner had to go be with someone else just so that they could stand to be around them.”

 

Zen held you close through all of this, listening intently while stroking your hair and wiping away your tears as they came along. Not once did he try to speak over you nor did he say anything at all, except to speak quiet words of support. It was only when you suggested that he break up with you and find someone else who could always return his affection like he wanted, someone who would always believe him when he told them that he loved them, that Zen spoke in opposition at all.

 

“That’s not going to happen because as far as I’m concerned there is no one else,” Zen said, softly but quite seriously. He smoothed some of the hair that had fallen into your eyes. “There is no one else that I want, period. Even if you can’t always process that.”

 

“Are you sure?” You whispered back, scared but hopeful at the same time. You gripped the front of his shirt tight. “Are you sure that you want to stay with someone who is...well...me?”

 

Zen then kissed you as though he’d made a promise. 

 

“I only have eyes for you,” he repeated, this time placing a kiss to your forehead. He smiled down at you beneath his lashes. “Thank you for being honest with me. I know that it wasn’t easy to share but please know that I’m here for you.”

 

“I know,” You said and this time you meant it. A small little sigh escaped your lips. “This isn’t going to be the last time that I’ll have a meltdown like this.”

 

He leaned his forehead against yours. “I know but I’ll be here to listen to you. And even if there are times that I can’t, I can try to help you find someone who can help you cope in ways I might not have thought of before. Only if you want to though.”

 

You  _ had  _ thought of this before but never saw the point. After all, there were so many people who were worse off than you. But maybe that would be something you should look into. “Maybe I’ll ask Jumin if he knows anybody,” you added, smirking at the reaction that immediately followed.

 

“Aah! Why do you have to ask that jerk for anything?” When Zen caught sight of how your eyes twinkled, he deflated a little. “Babe, it isn’t nice to tease me like that. I want to be the one who saves you!”

 

“It may not be nice but it is a lot of fun~”

 

Instead of firing back though, he continued to pout in such an adorable way that you couldn’t help but laugh. Zen normally would have been upset by this, but just hearing that sound again was enough to bring him back to normal. Using your momentary distraction to his advantage, Zen grabbed you by the waist (effectively stopping you mid laugh) and scooped you up into his arms so that he carried you bridal style.

 

“As much fun as this is,” he said, smiling at your now heated cheeks, “I do believe it’s time for bed. We’ve both had a long night.”

 

Tonight it’s an innocent suggestion and, you realize, that he’s right. You’re exhausted after all of this worrying and crying and letting go. “Alright,” you agree. “But can I at least walk myself to our bedroom?”

 

Zen doesn’t even pretend to consider it but his voice is light as he says, “I don’t think so. You’ve worn yourself out tonight, so let me take care of you a little more, my Princess.”

 

It’s cheesy but it’s also such a perfectly Zen thing to do, so you simply say nothing as he makes the very laborious trek back to your bedroom. As he lays you onto your bed and turns out the light, you curl up next to him, more grateful than ever that he chose you (though he will insist that you chose him). This conversation is far from over, yes, and you probably will try to find someone who can help you in ways that Zen can’t, but for now having the truth out and being able to lay in Zen’s arms as the two of you drift off to sleep is more than you could have ever hoped or asked for. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I was a little bit reluctant to post this, especially with the onslaught of cheating fics involving Zen lately but I decided to bite the bullet anyway. I'm not sure if I wrote Zen entirely in character but I gave it my best shot. He is my precious little cinnamon bun and I hope that I did him justice. If there are any spelling/grammar errors then please let me know! 
> 
> P.S. The tea mentioned is Tazo's Passion. Passionflower and chamomile are really fantastic if you suffer from anxiety but only for mild symptoms.
> 
> And yes, I did take this title from Phantom of the Opera. That was the sort of feel I was going for with this fic.
> 
> My Tumblr is theromanticheroine if you'd like to bug me on there!


End file.
